From Here to There
by NoThaTerrible
Summary: Shepard and Co are racing against the clock to stop the Illusive Man from starting a galaxy-wide nuclear war.


**CHAPTER 1: Mission Briefing**

_*Aboard the SSV Normandy*_

Shepard is sitting on his lounge chair, sipping on some hot cocoa. His girlfriend Liara is lying on his lap, taking a nap. She just finished blowing him and was tired. Shepard reached for the remote control and flicked through some channels on the TV.

"It's the Price is Rig-"

*next channel*

"Johnny, don't touch her ass like that! She's my wife!"

*next channel*

"It's going to be HOT HOT HOT here in Mexico. Muy caliente! Bust out the tacos amigos! At 6 o'clock, we're going to experience some light rain and-"

*next channel*

"-new breast implants are sure to satisfy your man in all the right ways. Order now!"

*next channel*

"Wow, you can't even notice the cum stains at all!"

Shepard turned off the TV, since nothing good appeared to be on at the moment. He lied back and closed his eyes. Nothing like a relaxing nap after saving the galaxy from a Reaper invasion. He won the war, he won the respect of everyone across the galaxy, he won the lottery, he won a brand new Toyota Prius (EPA 35 mpg) and he won the heart of his teammate Liara. Life was good for Shepard. Life was good…

A few minutes after Shepard dozed off, Garrus entered the room and put his hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"Shepard," whispered Garrus, "Captain Anderson is on the phone. He wants to speak with you. He says it's something urgent."

Shepard let out a loud snore and peeked through his eyelids to see a phone hovering in front of his face.

"What is it?" moaned Shepard, wiping his eyes.

"Captain Anderson," said Garrus, "He says it's important."

Shepard stretched his arms into the sky and yawned at the top of his lungs.

"Can he call back later?" asked Shepard, gently moving Liara's head off his lap, "I'm pretty beat right now."

"He says he needs to speak with you right now, Shepard" said Garrus with a firm tone.

"Tsk. Fine," said Shepard, snatching the phone from Garrus's hand. "Hello, this is Commander Shepard."

"Shepard!" shouted Anderson on the other end of the line, "I need to see you immediately."

"I'm pretty busy right now, Captain. Can't it wait?" said Shepard, walking over to the bathroom to empty his bowels.

"Shepard, you get your fucking ass to the Citadel within the next 2 hours! That is an order!"

"Geez," said Shepard, sitting on the toilet seat, "Fine. I'll see ya soon."

And with that, Shepard hung up the phone and groaned as he deposited his saving into the toilet bowl.

* * *

_*The Citadel, 3 hours later*_

Shepard made his way over to Captain Anderson's office, and saw Admiral Hackett making sweeping hand gestures whilst talking to Anderson.

"Shepard, didn't I tell you to get here as soon as possible?" yelled Anderson, throwing a manila envelope at Shepard. Shepard caught the envelope and took a seat in front of Anderson and Hackett.

"I told you I was busy," said Shepard, placing the envelope on the table, "What's the big deal anyways?"

"Shepard," said Hacket, putting his hands together, "We hate to ask for your help again so soon-"

"Hold on Hackett," said Anderson," Let me do the talking."

Anderson poured a cup of coffee for himself and Hackett, and then asked if Shepard wanted a cup. Shepard declined.

"Well," said Anderson, taking a sip from his mug, "We have… an issue. With someone we thought had died last year, during the Reapers' attack on Earth."

Anderson gestured at the envelope. Shepard opened the envelope and pulled out a paper with The Illusive Man's face printed in the upper left-hand corner.

"The Illusive Man?" said Shepard, briefly skimming through the document, "You think he's still alive?"

"We know he's still alive," said Anderson.

"Wait a minute," said Shepard, still reading through the document, "I mean come on now. I killed that son of a bitch. I shot him right in the head and killed him. What are you talking about?

"He's alive, Shepard," said Hackett, placing an emptied mug on the table, "We've seen him."

"Are you guys shitting me right now?" said Shepard, sliding the paper across the table towards Anderson, "I blew his head off. There is no way he could've possibly survived."

"Just like there was no way you could have possibly survived when you were drifting through space 3 years ago after the Normandy was torn to shreds?" said Anderson, sliding the paper back to Shepard, "The Illusive Man is alive, Shepard, and he's plotting something. Something big."

Shepard re-read the classified document and noticed a line that mentioned that Cerberus ships have been seen landing in various locations across Earth.

"So you think The Illusive Man is planning to attack Earth?" said Shepard, looking up from the paper to glance at Anderson and Hackett.

"Well," said Hackett, downing another cup of coffee, "A few weeks ago, we received word that a number of nuclear bombs were stolen from a storage facility at Omega. These past few weeks, we've also seen some Cerberus ships land on Omega for some unknown reason. We believe that Cerberus is stealing nuclear bombs and is planning to blow up Earth."

Shepard put his hand over his eyes and let out a sigh. He couldn't believe that his nemesis was still alive, and worse yet - planning to blow up his home planet. Shepard poured himself a cup of coffee and took a sip.

"Alright," said Shepard, wiping his mouth, "Let's say the Illusive Man is still alive. Do we have any proof that Cerberus are the ones stealing the nuclear bombs?"

"No," said Anderson.

"Do we have any proof that Cerberus is plotting to attack Earth?"

"No."

"Then gentlemen," said Shepard, standing up from his seat, "We have nothing to worry about."

"But Shepard," said Anderson, standing up as well.

"Goodbye Anderson. Hackett," said Shepard, saluting at both of his superiors before walking away.

"SHEPARD!" yelled Hackett, slamming his mug on the table, causing the mug to shatter into hundreds of pieces, "SIT DOWN. NOW."

Shepard, startled by Hackett's voice, turned around and saw Hackett's hand bleeding profusely. He took a seat back at the table and handed a napkin to Hackett.

"This is why I wanted to talk to him," said Hackett, wiping the blood off his hand, "You don't know how to talk to others convincingly, Anderson. Sometimes, you need to raise your voice and talk to people like they're your bitch. Shepard here? He's our bitch. So treat him like one."

Hackett grabbed the manila envelope and pulled out another sheet of paper.

"Bitch," said Hackett, passing the paper over to Shepard, "Do you know what those are?"

Shepard stared at the paper, and saw rows upon rows of random assortments of numbers.

"No clue," said Shepard, handing the paper back to Hackett.

"They're nuclear launch codes, bitch," said Hackett, stuffing the paper back into the manila envelope, "each row corresponds to a separate nuclear bomb. These codes in particular belong to the bombs that went missing from Omega's storage facility. We obtained them in order to keep them safe from the people that stole the nukes. Without these codes, those nukes are useless."

"So…" said Shepard, urging Hackett to get to the point.

"We need you to deliver these codes to New York City. We have an informant there that can use these codes to track the location of the missing nukes," said Hackett, handing the envelope to Shepard.

"Why New York? Why not take these codes to the Council and have them-"

"This a private matter, Shepard," said Hackett, interrupting Shepard, "The last thing we need is for the Council to send ships across the galaxy to look for The Illusive Man and the missing bombs. We don't want to worry anyone. We just need this issue handled quickly and quietly. Now, can we trust you to safely deliver these codes to New York?"

Shepard leaned back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest.

"Listen, Admiral," said Shepard, "I just finished saving the entire fucking galaxy from the Reapers. And now you want me to do this little errand for you on the off-chance that the Illusive Man came back from the dead and decided to blow up Earth? Forget it. Get someone else to do this for you."

"We'll pay you," said Anderson, "Handsomely."

"I already have my own ship and millions of credits. I'm set for life. What else could you possibly pay me with?"

"Sex," said Anderson, unbuttoning his shirt. Anderson removed his coat and pulled off his white undershirt, exposing his tight abs and rock hard pecs. He flexed his right arm in front of Shepard, which turned Shepard on.

"Alright, alright," said Shepard, standing up and walking towards the door, "I'll deliver these codes for you. But when I come back, get ready for some steamy hot sex."

Anderson blew a kiss at Shepard, and Shepard blew a kiss right back. Shepard left the office and boarded the Normany.

* * *

_*Aboard the SSV Normandy*_

Shepard took out a microphone and started talking to the entire crew.

"Attention everyone," he started, "Attention. We are going to Earth to deliver a letter. So Joker, get your fucking ass up here and start piloting this bitch. I repeat…"

As Shepard continued to call for Joker, Liara started walking towards Shepard, and she gave him a light kiss on the cheek.

"Uh," said Shepard into the microphone, as Liara started massaging his nipples, "No rush, Joker. Just… when you're ready."

Shepard turned off the microphone and started passionately making out with Liara. He groped her thigh and flung her against the nearest wall. Liara moaned in delight as Shepard humped her vigorously into the wall

Suddenly, Joker appeared and slapped Shepard's exposed ass cheeks.

"What is it, man?" said Joker as he took a seat in the captain's chair, "We're going to Earth, you said. Why?"

"Uhh…" said Shepard, pulling his pants up, "We need to deliver something to a guy in New York."

"Why New York?" said Joker, entering the coordinates for New York into his GPS.

"Don't ask me why," yelled Shepard, watching Liara seductively walk away from him, "Anderson wants us to do him a favor. So we're doing it."

"Geez, no need to raise your voice at me," said Joker, firing up the engines, "We're heading to Earth now. ETA 18 hours. You should go relax with your girlfriend in the mean time."

"Don't tell me what to do with my mean time, Joker."

"Oh, so where are you going right now?"

"To the… bathroom."

"Riiiiiight. See ya later, Commander," said Joker, as Shepard departed from the cockpit.

* * *

_*Meanwhile, in the Medical Bay*_

Dr Chakwas hears some intense pounding on the door leading into the medical bay. She gets up and unlocks the door and sees Miranda squirming on the floor, hugging her left foot.

"Miranda?" said Dr Chakwas, helping Miranda up from the ground, "What is it, dear?"

"I stubbed my toe on your fucking door!" screamed Miranda with tears running from her eyes, "It hurts so much!"

"Oh dear," said Dr Chakwas, pulling a band-aid out from her lab coat, "tell me where it hurts."

"My big toe! It hurts! I think it's bleeding!"

Dr Chakwas removes Miranda's hand from her foot and notices that the big toe is slightly red. She wraps a band-aid around it and Miranda sighs in relief.

"Thanks doc," said Miranda with a smile on her face as she walked away.

* * *

_*In the bathroom*_

Shepard is busy screwing the brains out of Liara, but not literally of course.

"So Liara," said Shepard, zipping up his pants, "Once we get to Earth, I figure I'd show you my home town. Show you around my home town and whatnot."

"That sounds nice, Shepard," said Liara, combing back her hair tentacles, "I always wanted to see the house you grew up in."

"I don't know if it's still standing. When the Reapers attacked, my home town got hit pretty hard."

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Liara, the expression turning into a frown.

"Yeah, both of my parents died in my home town."

"Oh god. I'm so sorry Shepard. I'm sure they were good people"

"Nope. Anyways, we should be approaching Earth pretty soon. Let's get cleaned up and regroup on the bridge."

"Sounds good-"

As Liara started talking, a huge explosion occurred and the ship rattled violently.

"MAYDAY MAYDAY!" shouted Joker on the intercom, "WE'RE GOING DOWN! EVERYBODY BRACE YOURSELVES!"

"Holy shit!" screamed Shepard, as he grabbed Liara and pulled her towards him. Shepard buried his face into her cleavage as the ship safely made an emergency landing.

Once the ship stopped moving, Shepard opened the doors to the outside and saw the Hollywood sign. They landed… in California!


End file.
